


How You Left Me

by Kurai3



Series: Sunshine and Moonlight, Fated Opposites [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst without fluff, Feels, Hurt, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, M/M, Suicide, The Author Regrets Everything, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, just plain angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 09:48:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4474697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurai3/pseuds/Kurai3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kageyama rejects him Hinata doesn't think it can get any worse. He's so, so wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How You Left Me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Haikyuu or the characters. If I did it would be gay, gay as hell.

“I love you!”

 

You’re all bright smiles and open arms as you confess to me. The words leave your lips without any trouble and the breath hitches in my throat. You’re giving me your heart, your soul, and I know I will have to tear it apart. I cannot let you do this…not now…not when I’m going to die so soon. I stop you mid-sentence, no emotion slipping into my voice.

 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t accept your feelings.”

 

I sound a lot calmer than I should…considering. I reject you, as gently as I possibly can, then turn and walk away. I hear you sob behind me, I don’t look back. I can’t see you cry…not for me. I know it will eventually happen again but for now I want to remember you the way you have always been to me. I want to remember your open smile, your honest words, how everyone could read your emotions from your face. I don’t want to see you cry…that would be too painful. You see…I love you to. I can’t say it…not now…but it’s true. You took all my pain and suffering and crushed it in your hands. You fixed me…fixed something I never thought could be fixed…and gave me so much more. I was broken before I met you…then you saved me. I don’t want to break you…not the way I was broken…but I know it can’t be helped.

 

_Please…please don’t cry…not for me!_

 

Don’t let the sun burn out…not over me. For that is what you are to me, you are my beautiful, beautiful sun. I don’t want to see you lose that light, even though I know you probably will. It is selfish, I know, but I want you to continue to shine even after I’ve gone. Soon I know you will cry again but for now…sleep well and dream of me, my sun. Don’t waste your tears on someone undeserving of them…don’t waste your emotions on someone who will never see them again. Just smile for me once more…before I go…that will surely be enough. Sleep well and dream of me, my sun.

 

****

 

I watch you walk away, the emotionless King once again and I want to scream at you. I want to force you to look at me, to lay all my feelings out and force you to accept them, but I know I can’t.

 

_Don’t walk away! Don’t leave me! Please! Come back! Look at me! DON’T LEAVE ME! LOOK AT ME!_

 

It hurts so much, watching you leave like this. I want to chase you but my legs won’t move, want to scream but no noise comes out, want to reach for you but my arms are paralyzed. I hear the rest of the team approaching, know I should put on a happy face for them, but even that seems impossible now. I had told you everything, given everything to you, and you had broken me…piece by piece.

 

_LOOK AT ME, BAKA, I LOVE YOU!_

 

There’s a lot of voices, all asking me what’s wrong, why I’m crying, but I can’t reply. I don’t want to tell them. Besides, how would I even start to tell them what’s wrong? How do you tell people your hearts just been ripped out of your chest by the person you love? They wouldn't possibly understand. I don’t blame them, it’s not their fault.

 

_I LOVE YOU!_

 

I try to tell myself I don’t love you anymore but I’m not kidding anybody. It hurts so much I can barely breathe. But it doesn't stop there…it only gets worse. The day I find you it’s pouring of rain, I’d left my umbrella at home and I’m soaked through. I’m not one to believe in clichés but somehow I get the feeling something bad will happen. That’s when I see you, you’re laying by the river, and your eyes shut in blissful sleep…at least that’s what I believed. But when I reach you the reality is so much worse. You don’t wake when I shake you. When I call your name your eyes remain shut and, Oh God, you’re not breathing!

 

_No! No! Please! You’ve taken so much from me! Please don’t take him! Just give me him!_

 

My hands are shaking as I call the ambulance. I tell them to hurry, tell them you’re not breathing, I don’t tell them I know it’s too late. The medics try to pull me away but I won’t leave your side. I don’t know when I started crying, but someone hands me a tissue. I wipe my eyes but there’s no point…the tears won’t stop.

 

_Don’t leave me! BAKA, DON’T LEAVE ME!_

 

They try to resuscitate you but you don’t come back. I ride with you in the ambulance, not leaving your side. They eventually drag me away when we reach the hospital, rushing you into emergency room. I’m only waiting a few minutes but it feels like a lifetime. I jump up when the doctor comes out, eyes full of hope, but as soon as I see his face I know…you didn't make it.

 

_WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE ME?! COME BACK…please…I need you…just come back!_

 

“I’m sorry…he’s gone. There was nothing we could do for him. The cancer was too much for the body to handle.”

 

The words cut me like a knife.

 

_Oh god, no!_

 

You’d had cancer…you’d had cancer…you’d known…that was why you rejected me. You couldn't be with me, knowing you’d only hurt me later. You’d known, and god that hurts the most because it finally hits me then…you’d loved me after all. You’d loved me so much you’d given up on me just so you wouldn't hurt me.

 

_Why hadn't you told me?!_

 

Somehow I feel like knowing would have made this so much more bearable. I would have been able to be with you at the end. I would have been able to say my goodbyes. But you hadn't told me and all I can think about are the last words I’d said to you.

 

_“Don’t come near me! I hate you!”_

_“I’m sorry…goodbye, Shoyo.”_

 

Your reply back then had made me so damn angry…but know it’s what breaks me. It’s what finally breaks me…I sit there, in the hospital for hours, my whole body racked with sobs as I let the tears fall more freely. No one tries to move me. At some point the rest of the team are called, they try to offer me comfort but it just makes it so much worse. Your family come to…they’re crying like me but they try to be strong…I know it’s an act, they’re putting it on for you…and probably for me to…but I can’t bear to watch it. My heart feels raw and empty…I want to scream at the world, at how messed up it is, to take someone so perfect from it. There will be so many people, today, who continue about their business…not realizing how damn cruel the world is…not realizing the world has just lost someone great. They won’t ever know your name and that hurts the most because, as far as I’m concerned, everyone should not about you. You are perfection. I’d always related you to an angel in my thoughts, but I can’t do that now…it hurts too much…the pain is still to raw. I stand then, not wanting to see any more of your family and friends putting on brave faces…talking about how amazing you were…when all I want to do is shake them to show them how perfect is was with you in my life. They hadn't understand back then, when you rejected me, and they still don’t understand now…how much pain I’m in. But no matter how much it hurts I know your pain must be ten times worse…because you’d never wanted to leave…you’d wanted to stay on this world, by my side, for as long as you could. It’s not fair that we lost you so young…you should have continued to play volleyball with me until you were old and decrepit and then we should have sat out on our front porch and reminisced together. How am I supposed to do that now that you’re gone? I know you’re probably want me to find someone else but there will never be anyone else like you. Before I leave I find a note tucked in your hand…I reach out and take it from you…reading it to myself…and it hurts so damn much. There are just two lines on it and I hate you for it…because how can I even think of obeying your last order.

 

_Sleep well and dream of me, my sun…my beautiful sun…Hinata Shoyo._

_The one who loves you, Kageyama Tobio._

 

I scrunch the letter up in my hand, the tears still falling…I’m surprised I have any tears left to cry…not after all this.

 

_You’re wrong. You've got it all backwards. You were always my sun…you kept me going even when I lost all hope. You once compared yourself to the moon…told me how the moon couldn't shine without the sun…I wanted to scream at you back then…tell you how wrong you were…tell you how you were more of a sun than I could ever be._

 

I’ll never get to argue with you again…never get to shout at you…or eat lunch with you…or practice my spikes with you…and, oh god, it hurts.

 

_Please…make the pain stop…take it away…please just come back to me…TOBIO!_

 

Memories of us flash through my mind as I stand here, surrounded by your scent, of the two of us together. I know how much I annoyed you but even after all that you never truly hurt me…so why…why would you start now?

 

_I hate you! I’ll never forgive you for leaving me! I’ll never forgive you!_

_I hate you!_

_I hate you!_

_I hate you!_

_I love you!_

 

The pain doesn't fade…not even as I press the knife to my wrists…or slit my throat…but at least now I know at least it won’t hurt as much…because I’ll be able to see you again. As the light fades I feel something warm against my skin and, for just a moment, your touch lingers then until you pull me with you into the unknown….and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

_I love you, Kageyama Tobio._

_I love you, Hinata Shoyo._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry! No apologies will make up for this abomination. But please tell me what you think. 
> 
> Also should I add more chapters, showing the build up of their relationship and explaining things, to the point were everything goes to hell?


End file.
